Commitment Freaks Me Out

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Why are you single?!

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked this, I could buy a man. I usually say I’m really focused on my career right now and I’m not really interested in anyone at the moment, which is 50 percent true. But the other half is I’m really afraid of commitment. For some wild reason, its so scary to me. Part of it is opening myself up to someone. That takes so much work on my part it actually exhausts me. To the people who know me, I seem like a really open happy-go-lucky loving person, and half of that is some awesome acting. I’m super sensitive and really guarded. I must be getting my period because this post is getting pretty emotional. I remember when I would be dating a guy and he would want to introduce me to to his family and I would try everything to get out of it. For most women, they high five themselves when they meet parents but for me its like being sent to the death chamber.

Anyway, I started thinking, why am I so afraid of commitment and being open? I haven’t been cheated on or treated like shit by an ex-boyfriend so whats my exuse? Where did these fears/feelings come from? I don’t even have daddy issues?!
Then I stopped because I remembered where it all began.

I was probably 12 and I was waiting for my Dad to pick me up. My parents weren’t together so I would go to my Dad’s house on weekends. Bags packed and I’m waiting anxiously when he calls and says I wouldn’t be able to come over this weekend. This wasn’t the first time this had happened but I had a crazy outburst and told my mother that I hated him and I never wanted to see him again. Of course she consoled me and told me not to say those things about my father, but I believe that moment left a permeant mark on me. That would be the last time I relied on him and something inside me changed. I decided to hang out with my grandmother and aunt who lived not to far from my Dad and focused on them. I was no longer a Daddy’s girl after that experience.

They say your Dad is the first man you fall in love with so your experience with him affects your love life later on. Also my Dad is a great Dad. He’s taught me so much and I’m so grateful for him. 🙂 He’s not perfect and he made a lot of mistakes along the way because my parents had me when they were still in high school. Also I’ve learned that my grandfather wasn’t the most reliant Dad so he could have had the same issues that I did. So I guess its on me to break the cycle.

Back to my love life.

I think I also have high standards and I’m okay with being alone so that helps me stay single. But I definitely don’t think its healthy to be afraid of commitment since life is full commitments. So I’m going to actively work on that. I don’t know how, so I’m open to any suggestions. Is pretty ironic because you always hear about guys being afraid of commitment like its a male problem.

Toodles!

-Nydia

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3 thoughts on “Commitment Freaks Me Out

  1. jason says:

    I don’t feel you fear a committed relationship. I feel you fear going to the next level in a relationship, past what’s comfortable giving someone else your heart, and what that all means.

    It’s kinda like riding on a slide at a waterpark. It looks scary, but after you get enough courage to do it, you want to do it again.

  2. MadlabPost says:

    Coming from a family of emotionally unavailable people, there aren’t many tips that I can offer you on how to work on your commitment issues. However, you’re right….Life is full commitments. We choose what we’re willing to commit to, for how long we’re willing to do so and for how far we’re willing to go as far as how much we’re willing to commit.

    When you find yourself in a situation where you’re ready to take the plunge, I think you’ll know and the fear won’t have such a strong hold on you. It will be like “yeah….I CAN do this!” and you will and it will be find. Or at least that’s the hope talking 🙂

  3. MadlabPost says:

    Coming from a family of emotionally unavailable people, there aren’t many tips that I can offer you on how to work on your commitment issues. However, you’re right….Life is full commitments. We choose what we’re willing to commit to, for how long we’re willing to do so and for how far we’re willing to go as far as how much we’re willing to be “all in” or at least give it a shot.

    When you come across a situation where you feel like it’s worthwhile or you think it’s ok to take the plunge, the fear won’t be so strong, or at least that’s the hope.

    I think you will be fine 🙂

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